I shouldnt be scared to drop my kids off at elementary school

My kids last day of school of 2012 was Dec 14. The same day as the Sandy Hook shooting. I didnt hear anything about it until around 3pm, because I spent the day at school with the kids. It hit me. hard. There was a little girl, sweet Emilie Parker, who could be my daughter's twin. Both 7 years old, beautiful blonde hair, blue eyes and very similar personalities. It was like looking at my baby girl. I cried for days, when the kids werent looking. I have been so thankful that I didnt have to send them back to school. Hubby and I talked to both kids about the shooting. We didnt know if they would hear about it elsewhere, and we wanted to be the ones to talk to them about it. I have enjoyed having my kids home so much these last nearly 3 weeks. I wasnt ready for them to go back. We had a great Christmas and have so much fun playing with their new toys and stuff. Its been a great time. I truly didnt want it to end. I did, briefly, consider homeschooling, but it would be a disservice to my kids. They love their school and both are thriving. Today was the day I dreaded for 3 weeks. The kids first day back to school. I woke up with a feeling of dread. I got the kids up, made their breakfast and picked out their clothes. Did Mimi's hair and we got all their stuff ready to go. They were so excited. We get in the car line, and I feel a huge weight in my chest and the feeling of just getting out of the line and going home. I have NOT been pleased with our superintendant's reaction to the shooting and his supposed "plan" to keep our schools safer. My children's school is NOT secure. Yeah, the front and side doors stay locked and you have to be buzzed in the front door. However, there are mulitple portable classrooms at the back of the school, and the perimeter of the school has just a chain-link fence and all someone has to do is jump it and they have full access to the entire school. SO today, I dropped the most precious things in my life off, said a prayer, cried a little and came home feeling the need to blog my feelings. Maybe Im irrational, maybe I need to just chill. But as a country we are failing our kids. And its time that stopped.

Friends

Ive been very blessed in my life to have some truly incredible friendships. Long lasting lifetime friendships. Ive been friends with an amazing girl named Tara since I was 16 years old. We worked at McDs together and then a few years later, we worked at BK together. Tara was the type of girl you just gravitated to. Beautiful, friendly, outgoing. Never had a bad word to say about anyone.Always had a smile, never let things get to her. She would give you the shirt of her back, even as a teenager. If you were lucky enough to call her your friend, well, you had someone very special who would always have your back.
We became very close during our time at BK. I grew to love her family, esp her mom. We spent alot of time together, just hanging out, having fun. Whether it was getting Chinese food, Mexican food, going clubbing, or, one of my fav memories, going to a Tim McGraw concert with 3 other friends and then spending a fun weekend in Gatlinburg,TN.
Eventually, our BK closed and I moved away. We lost touch. I ran into her once while home visiting and it was like old times. We had recently re-connected on FB and had had several conversations. She seemed so happy with her life. Newly married and had 3 stepkids she was crazy about. She deserved the happiness she had and I was so happy for her.
Last Mon, she passed away in what is apparantly a suicide. Of all people, she would be the last Id ever think to take her own life. She loved living, loved her family and husband. But I guess things arent always what they seem. Its been over a week, and Im still in shock that she is gone. We have lost an amazing person. Im better for having known her. So Tara, I truly hope you have found peace and I will love and miss you forever. Thank you for everything, for always being there and for simply being my friend. Heaven is now a much more beautiful place with you there and I will see you again one day.
RIP Tara Lea Gibson 11/29/79-09/26/2011

My first born

I became a mommy for the first time on March 21, 2003. This little 5lbs3oz baby boy came out of my body and went straight into my heart. This is his story.
Girl meets boy, boy and girl fall in love, get married and have a baby right.. well we did things a bit out order. We had been dating for 1.5 years when, after 8 negative home pregnancy tests, a blood tests at the Drs office told us..WHOOPS, the pills didnt work and you are going to be parents. Well.. after we picked our jaws off the floor, we got busy planning. Our unexpected bundle of joy was due April 24, 2003. So, we moved the wedding up, got a bigger apartment and started preparing for our lives to change. It was, to say the least, an eventful pregnancy. In Dec the ultrasound showed "manly parts" and so our boy, Dylan Alexander, became even more real to us.
Jan of 2003, I faced my first obstacle. My grandma died unexpectedly 2 weeks after my wedding. I was devastated. And thats when the contractions started. At work on Feb 1, i kept having a sharp shooting pain going down from my hips to my legs, so after work, off I go to ER. They gave me an IV, made me eat, and sent me home with strict orders to see my Dr first thing in the morning. At this point I was 28 weeks preggo. THe next morning I go to my Dr, which was an hour away from where we were living. Sure enough, my cervix had begun to shorten and I was having contractions. So.. off I go to hospital bedrest. Never in my life had I been so scared, which the tour of the NICU and seeing what a 28 weeker looked like, made it 10x worse. Thank GOD I had an amazing Dr. After 7 weeks of strict hospital bedrest, at 35 weeks on March 21, 2003 at 3:40 pm, my little red headed miracle was born and I was instantly in love. He was whisked away to the NICU where he spent the first 2 weeks of his life. Seeing my tiny little baby hooked up to a breathing machine, IVs, and not being able to hold him, CRUSHED me. No parent should have to go through that. ESP a first timer. All I wanted was my baby home in my arms.
He was discharged in April. Id never been so happy. This amazing sweet baby was MINE. From day one, Dylan has been a laid back, easy going kid. As long as he can see you, he's fine. He never cried, laughed constantly and was a pure JOY. His aunt nicknamed him "Chillin Dylan" He was content. He doesnt stress or worry and he is just full of love and joy.
He is going to be 8 in about 3 weeks. 8. Where has the time gone? My 5lbs3oz baby boy has grown into this 48in 48lbs little man who still amazes me daily. He is in 2nd grade and LOVES school. He loves math and numbers and has a memory like no other his teachers have seen. He plays basketball and baseball, loves his Wii, his DS and most of the time, his sister .He talks about going to college and how he is taking the Wii with him. LOL He climbs on my lap and cuddles with me every day and I cherish those time, cause I know they are limited. He loves everyone, doesnt know a stranger and just wants to please his teachers and us. He truly believes everyone is his friend and sees nothing but good and positive in people.
SO this is for my baby. My Pickle who changed my life in way he will never be able to understand.

My husband

I decided Im going to dedicate one blog post to each of the 3 most important people in my life. The first is to my amazing husband. How lucky am I that I get to spend the rest of my life with my best friend? We met in Nov 2000. I had just moved to A-ville and so had he. We worked together, as managers at BK. I had just moved to NC, after ending my relationship with my ex. He had moved to A-ville from Hickory to take the job at BK. He was also in the process of ending his 3 year marriage. Over the next couple months, he became my best friend. He was there for me, listened to me cry over my ex, or being homesick and missing my friends and most importantly, he talked me out of making the biggest mistake of my life. He never really talked about his marriage. I knew he was leaving her, he knew he could talk to me, just didnt want to. Then one night in Dec of 2000, we were both stuck at work till about 3am because of the hood cleaners. We talked, non-stop for HOURS. It was so much fun. I get home and realize my feelings were much deeper than friendship, but he had things to figure out, a marriage to deal with. I figured it was just a crush and it'd pass. After all.. I still had feelings for my ex.
Id go back home to visit my friends as often as I could( at least once a month) and found myself missing him more and more. Id make excuses to call him, just to hear his voice. I began to realize, I was in serious trouble. LOL A couple weeks later, he comes to work and tells me has left his wife. I asked him if he was ok, if he needed to talk and he said he was fine and thanks but there was nothing to discuss. It'd been over for a while, he was just saving money to leave. My heart, at this point, is pounding so hard I thought you could hear it a mile away. But I had no self-esteem. My ex had literally destroyed me. Made me feel worthless and that no one would ever love me. I thought, no way in hell this amazing guy would want me.
FF to Feb 2, 2001. Im at work, he comes in and says.. well well.. I had a nice visit to this town called Big Stone Gap, VA today(this is my hometown) I was like no way in hell you went there. And he began to describe the town. I was FLOORED. When I asked him WHY he had gone there he replied, just wanted see where you grew up and why you love it so much. The next he confesses his feelings for me and wants to go to BSG WITH me and meet my friends. Color me speechless. So we go. He meets everyone who matters to me the most, Amy, Erin, Brittany, Jen and Amber. We stop at McDs on the way out of town to grab something to eat. We are sitting in the car, he goes Look at me. I did. And he kissed me. I have NEVER felt like that before. I know I have found my forever.
We get married in Dec of 2002, our 1st child is born March 2003, 2nd child 2005.
I love him more than ever. He supports us, will do anything for his family, is the best daddy i could have asked for and after 10 years... the man still gives me butterflies and I miss him like crazy when he's not home.
If you would have told me in Nov of 2000, what this man was going to be to me, that I couldnt live without him, Id have laughed in your face.
This is for you babe. For all you are and all you do. I cant begin to thank you enough and you will never truly know how much I love you.

Failure

This is hard to write.. even harder to admit. But Im a failure. As a mother as a wife, as a person. I love my babies more than life itself. But right now, as of this second, I cant stand to be around them. They have turned into defiant, back-talking, non listening, whining spoiled brats. MiMi has turned into the world's biggest tattle tale, Pickle, who BTW skipped the terrible 2s, has now entered the terrible 7s. He will throw himself on the ground, stomp his feet, kick and scream if he gets in trouble or doesnt get his way. Im at a loss. Ive taken the Wii, the DS, the TV, the toys, resorted to spanking and neither one of them really cares.
Kevin is working 6 days a week, about 80 hours a week now. So Im home alone with the kids most of the time. I miss my husband, I miss having him by my side, helping. I hate going to bed alone. I MISS working. You know its bad when I say that right! I miss it. I miss my friends, adult interaction, even shitty ass rude customers that we make fun of once they leave. Right now, I just want a good book, a hot bubble bath and a tall STRONG adult beverage.
Rationally, I know its the fact that, once again, we got hit with a major snowstorm and I have been cooped up in this house(alone cause Kevin was out of town) for a week straight with both kids. Pickle hasnt been to school in a week. MiMi is feeding off his attitude and defiance and well.. she's a 5 year old girl. She's ALREADY full of divatude. I havent had time with Kevin in god knows how long and I havent even had time to myself, which I so desparatley need right now. I want my life back, I want our routine back and things to just get back to normal.
Spring oh spring... where are you. Ironically... the first day of spring is Pickles 8th birthday

See ya later 2010!

Its new years Eve. And once again, its just me and the kids. I cant remember the last tim I spent New years with my husband. The man works so hard and its just how our life is. So, how was your 2010? Mine.. it was not bad. Pickle started 2nd grade, MiMi turned 5(holy crap) I got into my first argument with my MIL(not to bad, considering we have been married 8 years and together nearly 10) and didnt work very much(always a plus)
In 2011.. I plan to blog more, get serious about getting healthier, go back to school, and plan to send my baby off to kindergarten. The latter of which Im totally unprepared for. i dont want her to go. i want her home with me, my little girl forever. She is so excited to go, and I love seeing the excitment in her face, but Im totally not ready to send my baby, my last child, off to big kid school.
I also get to quit my job at some point this year. I TOTALLY cant wait for that. :)

So, happy new year everyone and make your 2011 be blessed! Much love

Homework

I have a 2nd grader, Pickle. He's a pretty smart kid who does well in school. Well apparantly in 2nd grade, playtime is over and it gets serious. The kid has about an hour or mroe of homework a night. HES.IN.SECOND.GRADE. Im already confused and Im thinking that by the end of the year, Im not gonna know how to help him. Between his homework, doing preschool with MiMi, work, trying to find 5 min in the day to squeeze a convo with my husband in, and housework.. IM exhausted
Speaking of work.. Im so fed up. I feel like Im there to do nothing but bitch work. Getting up at 3:30am SUCKS. Just trying to make it till Aug when I quit to go back to school. I think I can I think I can...